Hi you. It feels like forever since we last spoke.
I’ve been lost in a world of sex dungeons. Helicopter rides. Gorgeous rich men. Boat trips. Flash cars. Fancy dinners. I’ve been lost in a certain Mr. Grey (Wish it was the other way round). Fifty Shades of Grey. W.O.W. You’ve all heard about it, and women everywhere are reading it. In my opinion it is bloody good, for all the wrong reasons (But o0o0o so right!). It makes me look at elevators in a much different way now. And pool tables, pianos, showers, bath tubs and office desks. My chains and whips just don’t live up to my expectations anymore. Not to mention my sex slaves just don’t cut it, or whip it, or bite it or... I had to fire one the other day; he has two kids to feed. Poor bugger. The book also makes me want vanilla ice-cream (and I HATE vanilla ice-cream … Don’t look at me like that, I had sun stroke when I was 12 and Mum insisted I eat it. Haven’t touched the stuff since). Ladies… If you haven’t read it yet, I insist you do. You won’t be disappointed. That is until you put the book down and realise you’re now horny and alone.
Sigh.
Even right at this minute Fifty Shades is screaming at me. ‘Read me. Open me up and caress my insides. Read it, read it till you’re finished.’ This love affair I’m having with a fictional character (F.I.C.T.I.O.N.A.L. Gosh that was hard for me to say!) isn’t healthy. So I’m putting it down and stepping away. It’s time to engage with real people… You’ll do :)
My mama came up to play in the big smoke with me and I’m pretty sure we consumed all of the cities wine, coffee and peppermint tea. We spent a lot of the weekend peeing. We caught up over lunch at Sale St (A funky little bar/restaurant I very much enjoy), lots of speaking, sipping, speaking, sipping, pausing to check out Colin Mathura-Jeffree, speaking, sipping.
Caught up with family. Drank more wine. Then went on a movie date to see Snow White and Huntsman. I must admit I had higher hopes for that movie. I also highly suggest you don’t go to the movies tipsy. Auckland’s movie seats are WAY too comfy for that. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz z z z
Saturday brought surprise facials, brunch, shopping, coffee and protests (Mum almost had to stop me from jumping in on the action. I have always wanted to be part of a protest. It’s on the bucket list. This just wasn’t my time. We did however sign the petition against selling NZ assets and walked away feeling rather proud of our little contribution). We checked into a hotel (and laughed as Mum reassured me this was not what it looked like in the pictures). The beds were small, but comfy enough. The shower’s water pressure was so hard that it hurt my nipples. The noisy elevator (There’s that word again. Mmmm) was right by our rooms and the TV didn’t really cooperate. But who needs a really flashy place when all you’re going to do is open wine, drink wine, whine about being all out of wine and then come home from town having had too much wine. Us Sloan girls like our wine. No! Really?...I think we hide it well.
My bestie and Mum’s fourth daughter joined us for the evening. We celebrated ten years of friendship (God knows how she did it?!!) with dinner at Orbit, Auckland’s own revolving restaurant on top of the Sky Tower. It was a real treat (Thanks Mama Sloan). We had the sweetest little smiley Asian waitress (I wanted to put her in my purse and take her home with me) and knowing the way to our hearts, we were all treated to complimentary bubbles. It was the most gorgeous crisp Auckland evening making the view to die for. I’m not sure if it was the wine or the fact that the whole restaurant was moving but I left feeling very wobbly. This was where the night got even better!
Now my mum isn’t one of those sit on the side, spectator, I’ll watch why you have all the fun, kind of mums. Oh no! She is right in there, right in the action. When you go out you always experience all different types of men. This particular night we experienced them ALL. There the guy who just LOVED talking about himself, the ‘I’m new to Auckland, show me a good time’ guy, there were the Samba dancing Brazilians, hilarious Indians, creepy Indians, groovy Islanders, grinding Islanders, men that love themselves even more than the first guy, men that couldn’t keep their clothes on (Literally! Mum attracted the ‘stripper’ guy and had him rubbing up against her. She RAN away from him, but he couldn’t quite understand that notion and turned it into a game of capture the cougar), there was the guy with the wandering hands (*shudder* It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I turned around to see who he was and he was SO dark I couldn’t see his face. All I saw was his creepy ass grin! RUN) and finally the guy with the massive black girlfriend that was NOT happy with me (What? I didn’t know he was taken). Mum danced with Auckland’s finest until 4 am. What.A.Trooper! Remind me to take myself into a corner and have a word to...well myself. Because there has got to be something wrong with me if my MOTHER gets hit on by more men than I do. Not even older men, men MY age. FML. I’ve got to hand it to her though…she is a MILF.
When she left Auckland I had a sore jaw from all the chatter and laughter. Sore body from all of the crazy D-Floor moves. Sore head from all the wine. Not to mention an empty wallet. Well to be fair it was empty before she got here, but that is beside the point.
It was a truly great weekend. Love you Mum (Cuuuuuuute!)
I hear Fifty calling … ‘I’m coming!’ (I wish! Heh heh). You know they say ‘We are the reflection of our thoughts’, well if that’s true that I am one dirty, *%&#@*, kinky, so and so…
Where was I?
Pg. 186
As I place my mouth on his, he grabs my hips, and before I know it, I am pinned beneath him, his legs forcing mine apart so that he’s cradled against my body between my legs. He’s kissing me, ravaging my mouth, our tongues entwined. His hands trails from my thigh, over my hip, along my belly to my breast, squeezing, kneading and pulling enticingly on my nipple….
I’ll let you ponder on that for a while.
Love & Laughs
Bex
Heya, how are we?
This week has made me want to put myself in the corner and think about my actions. Sigh. I’ve been off work and have made it my mission to not be killed by boredom, but in the process have found myself asking ‘Why is this my lifeeeeeeeee?’ and laughing at myself time and time again.
Heading over to Newmarket to go wedding dress shopping with my bestie was a perfect way to kick off the week. What wasn’t was getting lost…again. Somehow I ended up over in North Shore on my way to Newmarket, god knows how that happened? (Non-Aucklanders, they’re miles away from each other. Don’t ask!) I’m slowly learning my way around, but one problem in Auckland is once you take a wrong turn it takes a long time to find your way again. Stoopid one-way streets. Getting lost can be exciting and one of the best ways to work out your new surroundings, but when you’re getting lost at least once every time you leave the house it’s as fun as a poke in the eye. How much do you think a sense of direction costs these days?
When I’m not getting lost, I’ve spent my days choreographing my Salsa solo, for a competition coming up in the beginning of August. There has been one part of my song that is driving me bonkers. I just can’t seem to get it. On Tuesday morning I got out of bed, wandered into the lounge, began watching TV and then had a creative burst that had me up dancing around my living room. I chucked on my music, thinking I was the only one home, and began dancing (still in my PJs might I add). I started getting really hot (my purple sweatshirt, one that mirrors the one I had when I was five, does not breathe at all) so thought I should probably go and put on some dance clothes. Oh and a bra, before I knock myself out with my nungas (Such a hilarious story behind that word! Another time…) I took off my sweatshirt mid lounge, threw it on the ground and began walking to my room topless, as you do. Little did I know Farn, the Chinese exchange student that NEVER comes out of his room, (Apparently since I’ve moved in he has become invisible) decided now is a good time to come out and walks right into my path. I paused. PAUSED?? What was I thinking? Poor boy. Taking my shaking hands I clasped my breasts firmly, ensuring there was no slippage of nipple…woaaaah sorry, been reading WAY too much of Fifty Shades of Grey lately. Where was I? Oh yeah, standing in the hallway topless in front of the innocent Chinese student. I covered me giant girls and bolted towards my bedroom. There were bouncing bosoms, twirling tits, jumping jugs…you get the point. BOOBS everywhere. It’s safe to say the poor Chinese kid was in shock, making lots of ‘uh, um oh’ noises as he quickly closed the door. I haven’t seen him since.
Woops.
After last weekend’s episode, I opted for a sober one this time round. Saturday night was spent watching an Auckland University contemporary dance show. Contemporary is a dance style that is so creatively strange that you sometimes have to remember to breathe. One piece featured dancers inside plastic bags. I was scared. Did their parents never tell them to never put their head inside plastic bags? Gosh! One of my longest and dearest friends was in the show and it was amazing to watch her do something she’s passionate about. I walked away feeling proud, out of my depth and a little traumatised. All in all a great show.
This week proved to me ...
I cannot bake to save myself (I’m yet to give up though and have opted for baking lessons. Thanks AG. You have no idea what you’re in for). I will be domesticated, I will.
My car is on its last leg (Well wheels) and apparently talking to it at the garage only makes you look strange to bystanders.
Also getting a FREE Brazilian from a trainee just is NOT worth it. Not when she gets the wax caught right on the sore spot. Ladies you know what I’m talking about. Rip, stuck. Rip, stuck. RIP, fucking stuckkkkk! ( I’m pretty sure she ripped half of my vagina off! Poor feefoo).
Oh and one more thing, TED is such a hilarious movie. There is something about a teddy bear talking dirty that makes me laugh.out.loud. A must see for sure!
Mama Sloan arrives in Auckland next weekend for some fun in the big city. I’m very much looking forward to it. Dinner on the Viaduct, cocktails, grinding in the clubs (Ok, not really). I am going to be on my best behaviour… heh heh heh.
Love & Laughs
Bex
Let me just start by saying, I should feel worse than I do. The universe should have thrown a mighty hangover my way. I deserved it. Instead I woke up with a sore head, yes, but that was it. How am I ever going to learn if I’m not dealt a considerable punishment?!
Oh shit. Wait a minute. My cellphone… Why on earth do I intend on chipping away at my dignity every time I drink? I certainly made it to the top of my shit list today. Messages that read, “I’ll make it worth your while” and “I want to get freaky with you” were among the tame ones sent to my conquest last night. Let’s just say THAT won’t be happening anytime soon. Sigh. Your phone should have a breathalyser attached to it… “Access denied. You are too intoxicated to use this mobile phone. This service is to stop you waking up tomorrow feeling like a twat waffle.”
If you drink then text, you’re a bloody idiot.
So ladies and gentlemen if I have one bit of advice for ya, think with your head and not your vagina-hide your god damn phone. Oh and also KFC is NEVER a good idea when you’re a little hung. Never.
What IS a good idea is creating new friendships. I LOVE meeting new people. (They are yet to know the real me and I can pretend I’m a responsible, sophisticated woman. Obviously if I come into contact with a wine bottle this perception quickly vanishes). Since moving up here I have been able to make new friends, as well as catch up with old ones. Friends are so important. I feel very blessed to have such amazing people in my life. People that love me for me. People that understand me better than I understand myself sometimes. And people that will pull my pants up and pick me up off the toilet, drag me down the hall way and put me to bed, even after just having an argument with them. (Did I mention I love you?!) No matter how busy life gets it is so important to show appreciation to the ones you love. Or the ones that take time to read your Blog. Cheers big ears :)
I caught up with a friend in Takapuna last weekend. (I walked away from our coffee date with a sore jaw. 6 hours of chitter chatter. What are we like?!) What a cool place. Takapuna Beach Café. Right on the beach, Rangitoto Island in the background. Dogs everywhere. The whole beach riddled with them. Big dogs, small dogs, long dogs and a dog that was wearing orange mittens on its feet. I.kid.you.not! There is also something hilarious about three sausage dogs trying to frolic in the waves .No?... Just me?!
Auckland can be an expensive adventure, but some of the most awesome places it has to offer are in fact free. I like bush walks. There is something about them that makes me feel alive. Becoming one with nature and all that. Just don’t try and be a wise guy and veer off the track for ‘fun’. Otherwise you end up lost in a foreign bush for 3 hours; with nothing but a MP3 player (There is only so much of my ‘Move your arse shawty’ playlist I can take). I now wish I had seen more episodes of Man VS Wild. I know he are drank his own urine, slept inside a sheep skin and put a funnel up his anus and poured salt water down the tube to rehydrate his body…all in the name of survival eh?. I had to find my way back to civilisation fast; as I wasn’t willing to do any of those things (There were only birds around me. No sheep. And I pee’d before I left the house). If I’m not going to let a male go near my arse, why on earth would I shove a funnel up there? Yikes.
This week I have a learnt a few things.
According to the bank I am no longer a ‘Graduate’ but rather an ‘Adult’ now and therefore I have to start paying fees and interest. Lesson one: Listen to your mother when she tells you to NOT get a credit card (Don’t try and hide it from her, she always finds out).
Lesson two: Avoid shopping malls. I do not have enough disposable income to keep up with my shopping habits. There is no justification for buying a new top every week. (Note to self: Must buy red top to go with new shoes)
And lastly, lesson three: Eating badly all day then finishing off the night with a vege juice to make yourself feel better is not the way to a Zumba body. Also going for a walk and thinking skinny thoughts the whole time doesn’t actually work. Who knew?
I have to go clean my room now. I’ve been putting it off since April.
Love & Laughs
Bex
P.S Seriously, no matter how much your vagina tries to convince your head, don’t do it. Hide.your.phone!
